dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
