there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
