i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Dick very happy bro
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
