Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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