my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
