Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
