Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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