My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
the condom got lost in my hair
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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