I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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