He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
