its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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