just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
