she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so that wasnt chicken after all
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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