I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Houston, we have a squirter
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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