fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
