you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
