What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
