In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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