Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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