Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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