You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
