your parents love me but you hate me
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
