I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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