I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
