I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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