So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
