I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
