where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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