I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
