When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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