Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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