is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
