My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
