pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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