when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
