I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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