found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
