I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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