I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
