her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
