don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize