Where did you get a picture of my penis
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
