there was a trapeze. enough said
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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