my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
