Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
