My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
