Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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