Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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