I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
