Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
