i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize