after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
