If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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