let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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