Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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